Is He Googleable?

"Google is a woman's best friend" -The Muse

Ok ladies, in the year 2011 there is no excuse for going for the okie doke with these guys. As our worlds become more global and our relationships less homogenous, it is imperative that we ask the right questions. Not just to make your fantasies more detailed, but to verify your potential suitor's (or booter, for that matter) identity.


This past Friday, I bumped into a guy I know from around the neighborhood and we finally exchanged numbers so that we can meet, chat and possibly build together. One of the first things he asked me is "what is your surname?" Of course, being the "search fiend" that I am, I knew that he wanted this information so that he could google me. Of course, I was more than happy to give it to him because I'm pretty proud of my google standing, hyphen or no hyphen.

Anyway, the brilliance of Google is that it requires a certain level of detail to search effectively. Therein lies the value in what I believe should be adopted as a general rule: If he is not googleable, he is not dateable. This does not mean that he has to have a fancy job or be written up in the paper or anything like that, something as simple as a LinkedIn or Facebook page will suffice. Something you can use as a baseline as you get to know the "real" person. If all the information you take away from your initial interactions with him leave you with no "keywords" to add to your general "name search" I suggest you (first do a reverse number lookup, then) keep it moving.

This is not to be taken out of context, because it requires affirmative question asking on your part. Our tendency to project our fantasies onto the men we are attracted to often leads us to subconsciously reject the accumulation of information directly from the source.

As men have become hip to this long-held practice of us "filling in the blanks", I have started a list of general statements they make and what a google-like search might reveal.
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I'm in retail = I fold shirts at the Gap

I'm a consultant = I recently got laid off and haven't found a job

I'm a promoter = I don't have a job and I make side money passing out club fliers

I'm a producer = I'm part of an entourage and I hope this will get me laid

I'm a fashion photographer = I want to take inappropriate pictures of you in hopes of getting laid

I'm in sales = I'm a telemarketer

I own my own business = I have a business license, but no clients

I'm a musician = I smoke weed all day and have a gig once a month

I'm in between jobs = I recently got fired

I just graduated = I can't find a job

I'm 19 = I'm in my early 20s, but I still chase after high school girls

My mom is staying with me = I still live at home

My cousin is borrowing my car = I don't have a vehicle

I forgot my wallet = I never planned to actually take you out

Let's just kick it and watch movies = Let's skip romance and go straight to the sex

I'm a mama's boy = My mama won't like you

I want to go back to school = I'm intimidated by your credentials

What does your man have to do with me = We can have sex and someone else can deal with your nagging

I just got out of a serious relationship = Although my actions may say otherwise, I do not plan to make you my girlfriend

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Details, ladies! Details. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with any of the decoded "truths," but when you've created your own reality based on limited data you can be left feeling deceived. And, really, whose fault is it?

My advice is to stop treating these meaningless statements as prompts for a creative writing exercise and instead see them as an invitation to ask more questions. Although it is more enticing to curl up with a novel than to curl up with a textbook, like all worthwhile endeavors, if we do not put in the work we will not be successful.

-The Muse

Please feel free to add to the list in the comment section. You might help someone avoid the mistakes you have made...